WARRENTON, Va. — Local children were confused by the Halloween offerings of Mr. and Mrs. Owens, who handed out full-sized copies of Judge’s rare 1989 “Chung King Can Suck It” LP, multiple adorable ghouls, ghosts, and witches confirmed.
“The last time we were able to celebrate we went all out and gave away jumbo bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and kids went nuts for them, so we needed to outdo ourselves now that Halloween is back,” said Leanna Owens from her heavily decorated front door. “We knew candy just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. We considered giving every kid one Bitcoin, but those prices are so volatile. We wanted to give away something that retains value, so we spent most of the year on eBay buying up all the copies of ‘Chung King’ we could find. So far the reaction has been sort of muted: one kid tossed his in the bushes, and I had to stop a Frankenstein from trying to eat his copy.”
“Lots of dads with tattoos are really excited by the record though, so seeing the smile on their faces makes it all worth it,” she added.
Kids that traveled across town to the “rich people houses” admitted they were disappointed by the valuable treats.
“I was on a frickin’ roll all night. One house gave out Snickers bars the size of my leg, and another house used a snow shovel to scoop Skittles into my bag. It was frickin’ awesome,” said 8-year-old Tommy Boster, dressed as a mutant chicken. “Then we got to the big house at the end of the street and they handed me a smelly old record. My grandma has like 40 bajillion of those. Just give me a toothbrush or something next time, at least I can use one of those to clean my trucks.”
Consumer trend analysts note that neighborly one-upmanship surrounding Halloween can often lead to misguided holiday efforts.
“If someone is giving out full-sized bags of M&Ms, their neighbor might feel obligated to give out ‘Family Sized’ bags. I toured one neighborhood where a family decorated their lawn with tombstones and their neighbor tried to up the stakes by decorating their lawn with actual corpses they stole from a morgue,” said Charlie Harraway. “Just remember that children only want candy. Don’t hand out raisins, don’t hand out pennies, and definitely don’t hand out hand-numbered copies of my favorite record unless you know my kid is stopping by.”
The Owens’ are already brainstorming ideas for next Halloween and are expected to give away original versions of the “AN” American Nightmare zip-up hoodies.