LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Sting has finally neared climax in a round of sexual intercourse that originally began in 1994, according to sources close to the coitus.
“Sting has been having the same round of intercourse for decades now,” said Carter Shah, Sting’s official biographer and sex timeline monitor. “While many fans became aware of the singer’s propensity for tantric lovemaking through his drunken 1993 interview with scarf-wearer Bob Gelfod, few know that he has actually been in constant lovemaking for years. That includes during the recording of hits like ‘Desert Rose,’ his 2007 reunion tour with The Police, and just off-camera in his supporting role in ‘Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.’”
“However, according to the feverish grunts I hear,” Shah added, listening through a water glass pressed against the wall of Sting’s bedroom. “It sounds like he’s about to cum.”
Sting’s wife Trudie Styler confirmed via text message that their 1990s-era sex was close to conclusion.
“When Gordon and I first got together,” Styler’s texts read. “I thought that he was exaggerating about his ability to prolong sex and, as he put it to Geldof, ‘take you to higher levels, where you don’t spill your seed.’ That was kind of weird, but I went along with it anyway and now I know that, if anything, he was underplaying it. In theory, this is pleasurable, but I also have missed everything from Y2K to that season of ‘American Crime Story’ where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays OJ, which has been a bit of a letdown.”
Sting himself also sent a somewhat garbled email to indicate that the idea of 30-year sex might actually be better in theory than practice.
“I’m a hugely busy guy,” read Sting’s email, apparently composed while nearing ejaculation. “I’ve got acting roles, music to record, more philanthropic efforts than you can possibly imagine. For years, I’ve sent stand-ins for every public appearance that I could while I’ve been plowing me wife, but still, I can’t do that all the time. You have no idea how awkward it is to make eye contact with Shaggy while simultaneously recording a collaborative reggae album and achieving heights of erotic pleasure that few humans have ever known. It’s weird, mate.”
As of press time, Sting’s orgasm was reportedly delayed by four more months after he accidentally thought about the time he saw Eric Clapton naked at Live Aid.