Following years of penning autobiographical depictions of killing babies and stealing the toes and teeth of girls at Lovers Lane, Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig famously renounced his violent past in the chorus of the song “Where Eagles Dare,” and it changed my life. You see, it takes a lot to admit that you have a problem, and hearing Danzig’s heartfelt, public moment of self-reflection is what finally gave me the courage I needed to seek help myself, and I could not be happier.
I’ve been a proud member of my local Goddamn Son of a Bitch Anonymous fellowship for the past five years now, and if you told me that the man who helped me get to where I am today would eventually be staring me down at my own meeting, I wouldn’t have believed you. But does anyone, like, know why he’s here? Relapse? What’s this guy’s deal?
Things started off with a brief round of introductions consisting of first names and the last thing we did that made us a goddamn son of a bitch. Danzig—or “Would You Leave Me the Fuck Alone, Jesus Christ”, as he wished to be called—just sat there, stonefaced, reading a Wolverine comic, and I couldn’t help but be curious. Did he fall off the wagon by getting someone’s blood and ripping their throat? That’s happened to everyone here at GDSOBA at least once, so we get it.
Now I know how hard it is to talk about your checkered past with someone who isn’t your lawyer, so I like to bring in some snackage for all the guys. But even though I brought more than enough donuts for everyone, Danzig wouldn’t let my buddy Mark have two apple fritters so they started duking it out and the worst part is that the counselors specifically said we’re not allowed to place bets anymore. I wasn’t certain what a man with a body fueled by nearly 70 years of rage and Halloween-themed cereals could do to a guy given a court order not to go to his son’s little league games anymore, but it was enough. And I thought for sure he was going to use his twins of evil to shake him by the collarbone and snap his rib cage.
Shortly afterward, Danzig figured he could go against the judge’s wishes and leave half an hour early, but the higher-ups stopped him at the door so he naturally tried starting a riot. No one else decided to join him before he went back to his seat like nothing happened, but I know Danzig still has the persuasive skills needed to send astro zombies to rape the land and exterminate the whole human race. He didn’t do that again, did he?
When it was all over, I was still a little disappointed that he wouldn’t share with us what brought him to our doors here at the abandoned KMart that we’re allowed to use every other weekend. He seems like the kind of guy who’d get a kick out of possessing someone’s death, blood, and demise in 2025, and we would’ve absolutely bonded over it, no problem. But when he started blasting his “Danzig Sings Elvis” album on his cell phone as he left, it all started to make sense.
Seriously, could that asshole not afford a decent sound engineer? Because goddamn.