AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming vote to decide whether or not to display Ghost albums in the metal section of stores nationwide, sources confused by the lack of screaming report.
“At least twice a week, know-it-alls in battle jackets come in accusing record store owners including myself of being posers simply because we display Ghost records in our metal sections,” Vortex Records owner Mary McLaughlin said after kicking one such customer out of her shop for harassing employees. “A union-wide policy across all record stores will help prevent these disagreements and keep my employees safe from customers who have violently strong opinions. It’ll be good to set a precedent for other debatably metal bands that sneak into the Grammys like Tool and Jethro Tull.”
Former customer Trent Guzman, now banned from Vortex for moving Sleep Token albums into the pop section while employees weren’t looking, doubts the vote will stop customers from deciding classifications for themselves.
“You don’t have to work in a record store to decide what belongs where. I mean, why else did I find Carly Rae Jepsen’s masterpiece ‘EMOTION’ in the metal section?” Guzman said while changing his shirt to sneak back into the shop. “I’m clearly not the only one who thinks record stores need to rethink their classification systems. I mean, if this dump votes to keep Ghost with the heavy stuff, we might as well keep my girl Carly Rae in there too.”
A nameless Ghoul also caught wind of the vote and released a statement endorsing Ghost’s place in metal sections nationwide.
“Children of the world come to the record store to discover all kinds of glorious tunes, including metal, but it can be difficult to jump straight into the pool when baptizing yourself into the world of devil music,” the Ghoul said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Tobias Forge’s. “Ghost is proud to be that gateway for thousands of young people worldwide, dozens of whom might eventually check out scarier bands with T-shirt designs that will get them into trouble at the airport.”
At press time, the Record Store Owners’ Union had yet to vote on Ghost’s genre classification, but nevertheless agreed to move all Jethro Tull albums into the nearest dumpster.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
