LUBBOCK, Texas — Aging punk and amateur life coach Robbie Ginsburg was charged today with criminal negligence after authorities discovered four of his mentees died as a result of his unconventional advice, not-shocked-in-the-least sources confirmed.
“My husband saw one of Robbie’s flyers stapled to a telephone pole and took his phone number — he thought it’d be like those ‘Navy Seal’s Guide to Business’ things advertised on LinkedIn,” said widow Tanisha Williams, wife of former mentee Gerald Williams. “Apparently, Robbie’s ‘punk’ advice was to ‘stab all your problems away…’ and my Gerald died after getting into a knife fight with a deli owner over expired Froot Loops.”
Following a similar pattern, mentees largely found Ginsburg’s life-improvement recommendations unhelpful and/or violent, frequently involving criminal acts as a means to resolve problems.
“I’m an app developer, and thought Robbie could help me take a DIY punk approach to my marketing,” said former mentee Jennifer Horvat. “But Robbie doesn’t get technology — he tried to convince me to start a ‘zine on the Internet. I kept telling him that’s just a blog, but he didn’t understand. Later, he said I should grab a baseball bat and ‘fuck shit up’ at the Apple Store to ‘let the competition know what’s up.’ That’s when I bailed.”
“Everything he said was through this ‘punk’ filter and I could never figure out what was a metaphor,” agreed former mentee Tina Nguyen, currently in custody. “Did ‘crowdkill the negative people in your life’ mean ‘windmill-punch my condescending mother-in-law?’ Either way, I’m facing 25 years for voluntary manslaughter. Thanks for fucking nothing, Robbie.”
Ginsburg acknowledged his advice is unorthodox, but maintained his innocence.
“Just because I tell a guy he can impress chicks by launching bottle rockets from his mouth — or a woman she’s probably fine to swallow the pills she found inside a venue’s ladies room — doesn’t mean I’m responsible for their deaths. It says it right in the contract,” explained Ginsburg. “Luckily, the judge I pulled knows me from my past arraignments. Hopefully this works in my favor.”
At press time, Ginsburg was considering representing himself in court, as his funds were depleted after allowing the majority of his clients to pay him in exposure.