PORTLAND, Ore. — The Black Hole House of Portland reportedly contains a microwave which needs to be preheated, according to concerned yet surprisingly apathetic visitors.
“The microwave has definitely seen some things, like aluminum foil, and even though it takes a bit to get going, it’ll eventually warm up whatever you put in it,” said Doug Glenn, occasional resident and primary cook at the Black Hole. “If you put a frozen burrito in there for one minute you might as well just eat it frozen. You have to run it at least 10 minutes before it really kicks in. When the top of the microwave gets warm to the touch, it should be good for a burrito. When the cord is hot to the touch, it should be good to handle a pot pie. You’ll know your food is done when you see smoke emitting from the back vent.”
Landlady Gina Avery is well aware of the issues with the microwave despite the fact that residents don’t seem to mind the inconvenience.
“I’ve thrown that god damn thing out twice and they keep digging it out of the dumpster,” said Avery while buying 30 rolls of duct tape at Home Depot. “I thought maybe I’d just smash the whole thing to bits next time I’m there, but I’m sure they’d find some way to DIY the parts back together and probably blow up themselves and the whole neighborhood. Honestly, the whole property is going to hell so maybe a small to medium kitchen fire would actually help me start over with the place.”
Punk electrician Jack Harting says small appliances are just one of his specialities and thinks he could keep the microwave running for at least another decade.
“The key to small appliance repair is to make sure you use a good power strip, that way the fires are contained and usually don’t spread to the whole house,” said Harting while jamming a screwdriver into a still running tube amp. “I recommend swiping one from work with 12-gauge wire and at least 20 feet of length, that way it can provide power to the microwave, toaster oven, fridge and maybe some Christmas lights, depending on the time of year, of course.”
At press time, Glenn was boiling a Cup-O-Noodles on top of the microwave while Harting made Hot Pockets inside it.
