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Local Plastic Surgeon Glad To See Hardcore Shows Are Back

DULUTH, Minn. — Local plastic surgeon and director of Hammer Face Medical Clinic, Dr. Dennis Riley is glad to see hardcore shows finally coming back as vaccination rates continue to rise across the country, multiple patients confirm.

“Our business really took a hit during the pandemic,” the medical professional admits. “It was a time for a lot of people to reflect and learn to accept who they are, which is really bad for our line of work. Luckily, hardcore shows here are back in full force which has literally saved my practice. Countless broken noses, fractured cheek bones, collapsed eye sockets… you wouldn’t believe how many clients this resurgence has given us.”

While there has been a lot of positive reactions around the return of shows, some are suspicious about the doctor’s ethics in practicing medicine.

“I mean it’s cool that he fixed my broken nose but I feel like that’s fair considering how he’s the one who broke it,” says local punk Varun Tempe. “I mean, I was at the show to run sound. I wasn’t even anywhere near the pit. It feels like this guy is deliberately going to shows with the intention of drumming up some business by crowd killing unsuspecting spectators. I get that it’s hardcore and people get hurt all the time but I’ve never seen someone two step over to and elbow the person working the merch booth in the face before.”

While his methods may be unconventional, some locals believe the doctor is doing a great service for the scene.

“Dr. Riley is the fuckin’ man, bro!” said scene regular Diego Alvarez. “That fool reconstructed my face after it got fucked up by a rogue bottle rocket during the Section H8 set under the interstate. Normally I’d never be able to afford a procedure like that but we worked out a deal where he could use my before and after photos as promotion for his business so it worked out for everybody. My kids can finally look me in the face without violently vomiting all over their shoes!”

At press time, Dr. Riley was seen practicing with his new band “Co-Pay” in one of the clinic operating rooms.