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High School Band Teacher Better At Screaming Over Instruments Than Hardcore Vocalist Will Ever Be

EDISON, N.J. — Local high school band and orchestra teacher Christa Dimarco mastered the vocal art of screaming at a higher level than most professional hardcore vocalists, a tenth-grade clarinet player with a B- in concert band confirmed.

“My first year teaching I completely blew my voice out trying to yell over these kids. By Friday each week, I felt like my larynx was going to bleed out,” said Dimarco while oiling the valves of a euphonium. “So that summer I started to learn and practice proper technique, and got a headset microphone to use during class. It made all the difference. I’m now easily able to get through six rehearsals a day, and still have enough voice to scream at the bi-weekly school board meetings.”

Jake Lawrence, a senior percussionist in the Edison High School symphony orchestra, has been a student of Dimarco for seven semesters.

“Ms. D is a good teacher and screams louder than anyone I know. Sometimes it’s scary screaming—like when someone starts climbing the sheet music shelves or Trevor tries to prove he can fit his head in a tuba bell,” said Lawrence while skipping gym class. “But most of my the time it’s nice, like when she cues different sections on their entrances or is just excited we played something well. At least that’s what I think. No one can ever make out her words so you just have to go by her facial expressions and if the noises sound angry or happy.”

Don Hanford, a leading vocal researcher and coach specializing in heavy rock genres, affirms Dimarco is an exceptional vocal talent.

“Christa Dimarco is one of the best screamers working today. She puts 90% of the guys from the Spotify ‘Essential Hardcore’ playlist to shame. From the power in her low growls to the precision she carries through her high-pitched screams, her range is remarkable,” said Hanford. “Even with great mic technique, not many vocalists can hold their own over sixty instruments, especially not while marching outdoors on a football field. Other hardcore musicians could learn a lot from listening to her.”

Inside sources report that Dimarco recently turned down offers to join at least two local bands, Chroma Sanatorium and The Regurgitation, insisting that while the marginally higher paycheck would be nice, no amount of money can lure her away from teaching.