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Producer Hardly Using Those Twisty Knobs

TOLEDO, Ohio — Members of local punk band John Wayne Brady are growing concerned that the producer hired to record their debut album isn’t using more of the “twisty knobs” at his disposal, the band confirmed today.

“Yeah, they asked me why I wasn’t fiddling with their settings more,” said producer and owner of 1-2-3 Studios, Tracy Sands. “But none of them could clarify what they wanted, beyond asking about the ‘slidey guys,’ and how they could enhance things if I used them with the ‘turny bits.’”

While recording had reportedly gone well to start the week, with the band initially thrilled by the studio’s accommodations, Sands alleged that John Wayne Brady wasn’t fully prepared to spend time in a professional recording studio. “They were pretty upset that, as they put it, not all of the ‘plug-holes’ had ‘yell wires’ coming out of them. But they didn’t need any more microphones.”

“This place is impressive — no one is debating that,” said guitarist Shannon Summers. “I can’t believe there’s a machine that makes it so we don’t have to all play at once; I can’t imagine how much that cost. But the only thing I’ve actually seen him do back there is hit the ‘start’ button, and talk into that cool mic that I hear in the booth, but also in my headphones. But not once did he touch that big fucking lever in the middle of the board. I’m sure that thing probably does something awesome.”

Ultimately, tensions boiled over when Sands entered the drum room to explain the concept of tuning to drummer Thomas Bradley.

“I’m in there, trying to help these guys sound halfway decent, and I look through the glass, and the dude is going nuts on the boards. He says he didn’t touch anything, but c’mon,” said Sands. “Now, everything sounds like shit and is only coming through one channel, and it’s 62 degrees in here, because apparently he thought the thermostat was a piece of audio equipment. These kids are dumber than I thought.”

When reached for comment, John Wayne Brady said they couldn’t wait to get to work on their next release. Rumors continue to circulate about the band eventually making their live debut.

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