ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Local resident and supposed Staind fan Brandon Vintner wasn’t even present at the attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, disgusted sources confirmed.
“Yeah man, I love Staind but I’m more of a centrist,” the weak-willed poser commented. “I’ve been a fan ever since ‘Dysfunction’ came out in 1999 during my nu-metal phase. A lot of fans dropped off when they released that song ‘It’s Been Awhile,’ but not me. They were actually my first concert when I saw them on their ‘Break the Cycle’ tour and that’s a memory I’ll take with me forever, though it now makes sense that everyone at that show back then wore Bush/Cheney shirts. I know Aaron Lewis has some controversial views, but politics isn’t really my thing. I’m just a huge fan of the music and not storming government buildings in my free time.”
Other Staind enthusiasts have been quick to denounce Vintner’s cavalier approach to his fandom.
“That guy is so full of shit,” scoffed William “Big Bill” Humphrey from Central Maryland Correctional Facility, where he is currently serving five years for trespassing and assault on law enforcement officers. “I was in D.C. with all the other patriots who love Staind as much as they love their country, and when President Trump told us to march to the Capitol and ‘fight like hell,’ we didn’t hesitate to break into the building and smear our own shit all over the walls as we wandered around taking pictures. In fact, declining to storm the Capitol is something some pussy Jimmy Eat World fan probably would’ve done.”
Staind frontman Aaron Lewis was shocked to learn a fan of his hadn’t taken part in the insurrection.
“I refuse to believe one of my supporters didn’t risk his life and the lives of others in the service of a billionaire who is probably the second coming of Jesus, if you really think about it,” the singer stated while changing the strings on his obnoxious Les Paul Stars and Stripes electric guitar. “That’s the entire point of every song I’ve ever written. Take the song ‘Outside’ for instance. It’s clearly about the alienation that comes with getting your news from right-wing media outlets. Everyone just makes fun of you and calls you the weird uncle at Thanksgiving. If you haven’t felt that isolation, you’re not a Staind fan.”
At press time, Vintner was seen listening to Michale Graves-era Misfits, saying he wanted to get into bands with “less controversial singers.”