DAVIS, Calif. — Researchers at the University of California–Davis animal science laboratory confirmed this morning that an unattended monkey with an old typewriter has recreated every known Blink-182 lyric.
“We’ve all heard of the infinite monkey theorem, right?” said lead researcher Dr. William Callahan. “This is far more intriguing. We gave some subjects various toys and tools to help them pass time and maintain sanity. Subject G-1967 unknowingly recreated the full works of Blink-182 within mere hours on his typewriter. Truly remarkable.”
The digest line ‘…And maybe I’ll see you at a movie sneak preview…’ prompted Callahan to look closer at the pages he’d initially thought indecipherable.
“I thought it was a fluke. But when I saw, ‘I’ll open my eyes, I’ve got something inside, I’ll just jack off in my room until then…,’ I realized we were on to something,” said Callahan. “This monkey wasn’t just nailing the hits — he was typing lyrics from the deep cuts true Blink fans really love.”
Researchers immediately began collecting the monkey’s pages, typed in less than 24 hours, to confirm Callahan’s theory.
“Usually the animal testing center is kind of a bummer,” said lab assistant Manny Buckley. “But I saw that monkey type the complete lyrics to ‘Adam’s Song’ over 400 times. It has to be a message of some kind.”
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Every song from their seven studio albums was allegedly represented, as well as rare tracks previously appearing only on compilations and soundtracks.
“Even Blink’s occasional skits were there,” said Callahan. “One page smeared with excrement just read, ‘Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat.’ This monkey perfectly captured their rarities and live stage banter. It’s very promising.”
As of press time, Callahan was teaching the primate a basic chord formation, hoping to earn the monkey an audition with the band.
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Article by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck. Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.