SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American Fishkeepers Federation, excited sources confirmed.
“Ecstatic is an understatement. I can’t believe we pulled it off again this year, but it turns out not a single other band on the planet is focusing their creative energy towards songs about goldfish. I’m running out of room in my trophy case,” said Armistead Burwell Smith IV, who briefly owned a goldfish named Penelope who inspired the song. “I remember the exact day we came up with the song. It was September 12th, 2001. The Twin Towers had just collapsed, America was on edge, and nobody knew what would happen next. That’s when I looked at my fishbowl and saw Penelope floating there, and I knew at that moment this was an even greater tragedy that we had to write about.”
Ted Rouse, the Director of the American Fishkeepers Federation, said the Pinback song is a valuable tool for goldfish owners.
“Dropsy is no laughing matter. Educating fish owners about this terrible affliction is the best way to keep tanks clean and fish healthy,” said Rouse. “‘Penelope’ is a tragic song about a fish cut down in its prime. Just thinking about poor Penelope makes me tear up a little. But thankfully she did not die in vain. It’s impossible to calculate how many goldfish have been saved because of that song, but I’d estimate it’s at least two dozen. I’ve been trying to convince the band to write a follow-up song that addresses polycystic kidney disease and they keep telling me they are working on it. I’ve been waiting 15 years already so I assume the song is going to be amazing once it’s done.”
Petco CEO Joel D. Anderson admits he has been trying to erase “Penelope” from streaming services.
“This song cuts into our bottom line. We don’t want fish owners to know about common afflictions that befall fish. We want them to buy fish, have them die, and then buy more fish. It might sound heartless, but that’s capitalism for you,” said Anderson while tapping on the glass of a fish tank with his pen. “I’ve lobbied Spotify and YouTube to get the song removed. I’ve bought up old copies of ‘Blue Screen Life’ and burnt them in a trash can in my backyard. Once ‘Penelope’ is gone then I expect Petco profits to skyrocket.”
At press time, Pinback hopes to piggyback off the success of “Penelope” by writing a song about a Red-Eyed Crocodile Skink a family friend received as a birthday gift.
Photo by Mackenzie Kosut