JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to enrich the United States of America, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I see this nu metal resurgence and I think it’s great a new generation is getting exposed to real music, and not the bubble gum pop bullshit mainstream radio stations try to shove down your throat. But these kids need to know that our freedom to get nookie is only granted to us because we live in the greatest country in the world,” said Buski while taking the bus to his court-ordered anger management class. “The first thing I do every morning is listen to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ followed by a pledge of allegiance to the flag. After that I go down to the military recruitment center and blast a mix CD of nu metal favorites to get people hyped to serve. It’s just my small way of giving back to this country that has given me so much.”
Jerry “Worm” Cappilo, a lifelong friend, says Buski seems to have been born with a love of nu metal and America.
“I can remember when we were in middle school and Jerry dreamed of serving in Iraq so he could blast Disturbed from his Humvee and blow people’s brains out. Unfortunately, he completely failed the psych test and they didn’t let him join the Army. But that didn’t dull his love for America, if anything it made him an even bigger cheerleader,” said Cappilo. “I remember we went to see Coal Chamber in like 2011. Gary was the only one there with a giant American flag sewn onto one of the legs of his JNCOs. People were a bit freaked out, but that didn’t bother him at all.”
Former President Trump admitted he is actively courting the patriotic nu metal vote.
“I love those little freaks. Why do you think I carry Kid Rock around with me? The guy smells terrible, one of the worst smells you can imagine, but people love him. Not as much as they love me, I could probably write a hard rock album and people would come up to me and say ‘Mr. Trump you rock so hard, I didn’t know it was possible to rock this hard,’” said Trump after being asked about the economy. “If I’m reelected I will bring back Ozzfest, I will bring back the Family Values Tour, you are going to have so many touring nu metal bands you are going to be sick from all the nu metal. And that’s good for steel workers too.”
At press time, Buski announced he had written a nu metal version of ‘Hamilton’ that he plans on performing at the Jacksonville Arts Center sometime next year.