LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the…
OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for…
MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,”…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s politics had changed from how…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Recently deceased grandmother of six Dorothy Roddenbury selfishly had a funeral on the same day Anthrax was scheduled to play at City…
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Rebellious bartender Shae Ruggeri insisted on playing Semisonic’s signature song “Closing Time” exclusively at the start of her opening shifts, confirmed sources…
LODI, N.J. — Misfits lead singer Glenn Danzig is reportedly amending the band’s ongoing request for skulls to include leg bones, if absolutely necessary, confirmed…
RICHMOND, Va. — Metal band GWAR’s newest lead vocalist was announced via a giant white steam cloud of creamy ejaculate spouting out of the roof…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Popular musician turned right-wing icon Kid Rock revealed a line from his 1999 hit “Bawitaba” referred to the infamous Riemann mathematical conjecture…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors…
LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching…
COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the…
LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.…
VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale,…
BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order…