FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill with a full touring production of “The Phantom of the Opera,” confirmed already tired sources.
“It’s honestly the best thing that could happen to this scene. It’s so popular that I’m already planning another show next month featuring three metalcore bands and a full production of ‘Hamilton’ starring Lin-Manuel Miranda,” said Lyons. “The same 25 people just keep showing up over and over again. We need to get creative about convincing new people to show up. Most promoters just try to get more young people, but there’s a lot of untapped potential in all of those old people who actually go see musicals. Also untapped money because those tickets are pricey and they seem stupid enough to ‘support the arts.’ That’s why tickets for this show start at $95 a pop.”
Despite Lyons’s enthusiasm, multiple people associated with the show have expressed their frustration with the choice.
“I haven’t talked to a single person who wants this,” said Aisha Potter, the drummer of originally booked band Whipshitters. “First, all of us have to wake up in the morning for work and there’s no way this is ending on time. Second, none of our friends are coming to this show because there are going to be theatre kids there. And worse still- those asshole actors won’t even let us borrow a drumset because apparently ‘theatre troupes don’t have drums.’”
Still, some associated with the show shared Lyons’ excitement.
“What an astoundingly marvelous opportunity,” said Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber, the legendary composer behind “The Phantom of the Opera.” “It’s so exciting to bring new life to this production by staging it ‘amongst the people’ in a record store that has closed up shop for the day. And to show how excited I am, alongside my overflowing appreciation, I have completed three separate musicals about the interscene conflicts of the Fort Wayne punk scene. Can’t wait to ‘up the Fort Wayne punks’ on the West End this fall!”
At press time, Lyons confirmed that a noise act and an improv troupe have jumped on as openers.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
