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“Not Again…” Announces Naked Tom DeLonge After Waking Up in Utah Desert for Fifth Night in Row

MOAB, Utah — Former Blink-182 guitarist and alien enthusiast Tom Delonge woke up naked today in a Utah desert for the fifth night in a row, believing aliens had once again abducted him, government officials sick of hearing from the pop-punk pioneer confirmed.

“I thought it would be like The Abyss, or Star Trek… but they just keep poking me with things and demanding I play ‘American Idiot’ over and over,” mumbled a sore DeLonge as he wrapped himself in a sundress stolen from a clothesline outside a stranger’s home near a desolate stretch of highway. “They think I’m from fucking Green Day. I mean, I did my best, but it’s hard not to be slightly insulted.”

Rangers spotted the disoriented DeLonge in Arches National Park, trying to steal food from strangers preparing for a hike.

“We’ve had multiple reports of a pop-punk frontman harassing visitors. Attendance at the park is already down, and a naked man running around talking about being probed really doesn’t help,” said Lorraine Carter, one of the first responders. “I wish I could say this was the first time we picked him up… but it happens so often that Tom and I are on a first name basis. I just drive him to his car — which is always a short walk away — and I tell him to stay out of trouble.”

As the episodes escalate, FBI field agent John Gray has become involved.

“We have been familiar with Tom’s views regarding aliens since the mid-’90s when his internet handle was ‘Mulder182’ — his recent escapades in Utah are obviously due to vegan food poisoning, and definitely not from alien abduction, or a chrono-bath immersion while intergalactic symbols are etched onto his bones. For example,” Gray said unprompted, sipping from a Roswell, N.M. coffee cup. “Yep, food poisoning and swamp gas. It’s a tale as old as time, really.”

At press time, DeLonge was last seen at a Moab buffet, crafting a scale replica of Devil’s Tower out of pudding while absentmindedly humming ‘American Idiot.’