LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.
“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chuckled while refilling his iced tea. “Kids these days just want to hear songs about hellish whorehouses, infant mortality, or alien transmogrification. It’s exhausting, albeit profitable. Misfits aren’t just some spooky band—we’re a family, a family that peddles merchandise, and I deserve a bigger cut, quite frankly. Our legacy would be nothing without our deep-rooted history in litigation, and I’m excited to rekindle that flame and remind people that even us old-timers still got that New Jersey judicial system spunk in us.”
Distraught Misfits’ bassist Jerry Only spiraled as he reflected on recent events.
“I thought he got this out of his system, but I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Danzig’s generation never really learned how to communicate their feelings effectively, but this was something we had come to terms with before getting the band back together,” said Only, who is four years younger than Danzig. “The burden has always been on us to decipher his body language. I should have known he was irritable when he referred to Doyle as ‘Temu Frankenstein,’ but I pushed my luck regardless by asking if we could cover ‘Monster Mash’ live just one time. God, how could I have been so stupid?!”
Judge Gary Klausner, who previously dismissed multiple Danzig lawsuits, was noticeably cranky when he heard the news.
“Those New Jersey hooligans are bickering again?” Judge Klausner barked incredulously. “Let me guess—Danzig’s back, trying to sue the Presley estate because it was Elvis who somehow ripped him off? Or is this about the hotdog allegations? Kitty litter royalties? Oh, wait! It’s the one where he thinks he deserves more pie because he had the genius idea of tracing a skeleton in the ‘70s? What was it again? ‘The Fiendish Skull?’ Blah! None of this is about music—it’s satanic phooey!”
At press time, Danzig had a eureka moment and was feverishly searching to see if any members of Samhain were still alive and liable.