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New Emo Girlfriend More of a ‘2000’s Pop-Punk’ Girlfriend

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Liza Epperson realized yesterday that her new girlfriend, who allegedly described herself as “emo” in her Tinder bio, more closely resembles a mid-2000’s pop-punk fan, sources close to the distraught couple confirmed.

“To me, it isn’t that hard to see the difference between the two genres — I’m not sure how someone could think they’re the same thing,” said Epperson, still reeling. “Fall Out Boy doesn’t even want to be called emo, so why does she insist on it? She’s embarrassing me in front of all my friends.”

“I’ll compromise on a lot of things in a relationship, but confusing normal teenage angst with bad hair and makeup is not one of them,” added Epperson.

Epperson’s friends said the revelation came during a recent party, when Jeri Blackwood, Epperson’s girlfriend in question, took off her sweater to reveal a Paramore shirt.

“I couldn’t believe it at first. Sure, her hair was unnaturally straight and bleached, and severely hindering her vision… but with her skinny jeans and chunky Vans, we all just wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt,” said Epperson’s longtime friend and fellow witness, Milo Kramer. “When we were talking about screamo, and all she said was, ‘Oh, like that one Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song?’ We couldn’t pretend after that — the girl needs some real help.”

Experts have long tried to educate the masses so people don’t continue to miscategorize music and create false pretenses.

“In some pockets of the world, people may consider My Chemical Romance an emo band, but for most, it’s cutting it too close,” said Dr. Drew Perez, the resident musicologist of Stanford University. “But when people at emo nights request bands like Yellowcard, or Simple Plan, they need to know they are well outside the emo genre. Those bands are not meant to be listened to post-high school.”

Unfortunately for the couple, Epperson confirmed she thought their relationship was becoming serious — until she saw her girlfriend for what she truly was.

“Jeri is sweet, and smart, and owns a lot of black clothes. I thought she might be the one,” said Epperson. “I’m ready to settle down, and I really do want to be married before I am 35… but how can Jeri be the right girl when she can’t even sing along to The Promise Ring?”

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