WASHINGTON — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the majority of Americans are giving up the dream of owning the 30th-anniversary box set of their favorite ‘90s record.
“This all started about three years ago with the release of the 30th anniversary of ‘Nevermind,’” explained Mark Engles while flipping through used CDs at a local Goodwill. “Little did we know, that was just the start of it. Within a few years we had 30th-anniversary sets of ‘Ten,’ ‘Dirt,’ ‘Siamese Dream’ and ‘Dookie’ and we haven’t even gotten to 1995 releases yet. I knew I had to be financially responsible, so I waited to save up for a nice down payment on a box set, but my indecision burned me in the end. I’ve been priced out of everything. I can’t even afford Mr. Big anthology collection as a first-time buyer.”
While the fans scramble to keep up, record companies have been all too happy to flood the market with box sets, some with price tags over $600.
“Once a Nirvana box set hit and we saw what people were willing to pay, we knew we had to get in on it,” said Aaron James of the Universal Music Group while making a tower out of unsold Three Doors Down CDs. “Most of the master tapes of these classic albums burned up in the Universal Fire, but we found an old hard drive with some pretty solid MP3s and just sent that down to the record pressing plant. I mean, on a Crosley USB Turntable, who’s gonna notice the fucking difference? Covid really inflated the market, but only because we can blame our price hikes on the pandemic.”
The desperate situation has boiled over into the financial services industry, creating a market for loans which present yet another problem for would-be box set owners.
“It’s the American economy at its worst, just predatory lending all over again,” said Edward Tevich of Wells Fargo’s Music Services Division. “I rarely approve loans for vinyl anymore just as a personal choice. However, I do know plenty of banks are willing to do it. I’ve seen interest rates between 12 and 14% for most loans, but they’re always higher if the box set is a Target exclusive. The short-sightedness of this whole situation is what drives me fucking nuts. Has anyone even considered what happens in a few years when we hit 30 years of Limp Bizkit or if banks start buying up all the box sets to rent them out to the public? That’s how box set crises begin.”
At press time, Tevich was said to be encouraging his team at Wells Fargo to offer loans to desperate Oasis fans.