LOS ANGELES — A mosquito that landed on the arm of NOFX frontman Fat Mike and sucked his blood says it immediately regrets the decision, sources who appear to be punk in drublic confirmed.
“As soon as I stuck my stinger into that guy’s skin I just knew something was wrong. Besides the fact that it smelled like stale menthol cigarettes, it just made me feel weird and I started seeing colors and could taste the music he was playing,” said the mosquito while wrapped in a tiny blanket and sipping on coffee. “The worst part is I woke up several hours later to discover I had purchased tickets for something called ‘Punk Rock Bowling Fest’ in Las Vegas. Ticketmaster charged me $13.50 for a ‘convenience fee.’ And I thought I was the one who was an annoying blood sucker.”
Another mosquito who was also buzzing around the Fat Wreck Chords owner says he tried to warn his friend before it attached itself to him.
“I told him! I said ‘Don’t do it, dude. It’s not worth it.’ This guy looks like he’s more full of pharmaceuticals than a Fox News ad break,” said the second mosquito. “Also, not to shame anyone’s personal sexual history, but you don’t know where this guy has been. As a type of insect that lives off the blood of other animals, we need to be a little more careful and not just stick our stingers into anything with a pulse. As a species, we need to have higher standards than that.”
Entomogist Sharon Young says that mosquitos that frequently suck the blood of punk musicians can become addicted.
“It has become a real epidemic in the mosquito population. Mosquitos that continue to use musician blood can become addicted and even worse, it can lead to them making unlistenable music,” said Young. “Once they’ve had a taste of musician blood and had their microscopic-sized brains expanded from the substances, it can be hard for a mosquito to return to ‘normie’ blood. Next thing you know, they’re writing lo-fi hip hop beats to study to in their damp wetland homes.”
At press time the mosquito said he was looking for another fix and was said to have tracked down Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell.