SAN FRANCISCO — Local boxed food mix Rice-A-Roni unveiled a new advertising campaign that featured them embracing their roots in the Bay Area thrash metal…
Kamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot Album
DES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was…
I’m the Guy Who Poisoned the Beer Supply on the “Art of Partying” Album Cover. It’s Time to Come Clean About My Actions
When you think about it, life is just a series of decisions. Most of them are completely banal and easily forgotten, and some have the…
Everyone at Chat Pile Halloween Show Assumes Singer is Dressed as Randy from “Trailer Park Boys”
OKLAHOMA CITY — Attendees at Chat Pile’s Halloween show universally agreed that singer Raygun Busch was dressed as Randy from the TV show “Trailer Park…
Fred Durst Begins Ghost Story, “On a Dark and Stormy Night, When Everything Was Fucked and Everybody Sucked…”
MT. POCONO, Penn. — Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst recently crashed a Halloween campout and borrowed a bit of his own poetry to launch into…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Guests at a local Halloween party were struck with fear and confusion recently when a light-hearted séance conjured up the very much…

Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday
Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big…
Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein
BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue…
Heartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse Show
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show,…
Casual Tool Fan Captured for Research
LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to the progressive rock band without…
Nu Metal Dad Excited for Sweatshirt and Jorts Season
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local nu metal enthusiast, and father of four, David Trilling admitted Autumn is his favorite season so he can wear his…
Metalhead Shows More Conviction Arguing About Superiority of Dio-Era Black Sabbath Than He Did Arguing for Custody of His Own Children
ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown…
Metal Band Forced To Watch Every Episode of “Rings of Power” To Find Unused Band Name
RICHMOND, Va. — Members of a new unnamed metal band were forced to watch every episode of the Amazon Prime show “Rings of Power” to…
EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them,…
Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop…