TAMPA, Fla. — Local death metal band Sinister Descent unveiled a brand new logo after bassist Saul Cohen had the presence of mind to photograph…
LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already…
WATERVILLE, Maine — Local music venue Reggie’s reportedly collapsed after a wall of death during an Avulsed concert turned out to be load-bearing, sources report.…
SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as…
CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a…
SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year…
JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources…
FORT WORTH, Texas — Local metal frontman Frank Fortibus inadvertently let out the best scream of his entire career during a call with customer service,…
SAN FRANCISCO — Super7, the popular toy company known for its niche collectables, released a new talking Lars Ulrich doll that comes equipped with a…
GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Child protective services finally paid a visit to 89-year-old Bertha Gwynne after she had been clipping newborn babies upside-down to a…
SAN FRANCISCO — Semi-titans of American thrash metal Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel announced their plans to play a concert in the same vein…
CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources…
BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several…