SALINAS, Calif. — Former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar has discovered a theoretical, second way to rock, following years of “extensive, rockin’ research,” the noted…
I’ve been doomed upon this fate for many of years. Sure, I may look powerful with my crystal ball and steed, but I assure you…
Really? You want to be that guy with the homemade guitar? Ok, well I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. Here’s…
CINCINNATI — 32-year-old claims adjuster Aaron Madson spent the past week listening to classic nü-metal alone in his car “as a joke” for hours before…
CLEVELAND — Recently signed hardcore band Pain on Fire discovered this afternoon that their recent promotional photoshoot was marred by a pleasant grin from their…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — The guitarist and songwriter of a popular metal band was accused yesterday of using excessive umlauts in his tacit admission to…
MOLINE, Ill. — Touring death metal band Spoilation reportedly wasted little time before eating drummer Vic Walsh after their tour van broke down, failing to…
DAYTON, Ohio — Local apartment tenant Adrian Delgado has filed his fifth noise complaint this month with building management, claiming that his next door neighbor…
ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Metal diehard James Allen used the online tax filing platform TaxSlayer yesterday to “eviscerate, desecrate, and properly file” his 1040EZ tax return,…
PITTSBURGH — High school English teacher Dennis Schneider disregarded yesterday’s lesson on George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 in favor of “rocking the hell out” to…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local metalhead and office temp Sean Durham tested the boundaries of “Casual Friday” attire last week by wearing his beloved Goatwhore T-shirt…
FRESNO, Calif. — Local metalhead Terry Parker found yesterday that he is almost out of body parts into which to carve the word “Slayer” as…
GRIMES, Iowa — Heavy metal fans from around the world flocked to a sleepy Des Moines, Iowa suburb last weekend to see a puddle of…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The California Department of Food and Agriculture approved a program yesterday allowing nü-metal scientists to test potential gene manipulation of indigenous KoЯn,…
CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and body issues when subjected to the unrealistic…