EUGENE, Ore. — Up-and-coming metal band Enrager found themselves considering whether they should completely fucking ruin their music by adding a keyboardist, sources report.
“This is something we’ve been weighing for a few days now,” said frontman Jason Gilliard. “We’ve got a pretty good thing going so far. We sound like old school German thrash bands like Kreator and Sodom, so I’m employing a mid-level growl that they used back in the mid-eighties that was sort of a precursor to the lower growls that came with pure death metal in the early nineties. It sounds really cool, so we’re wondering if we should totally fucking destroy that by adding a completely needless keyboardist to distract the listeners. Of course this person will be playing long, drawn out solos that will bore the absolute Christ out of people at our shows.”
Potential keyboardist Ivan Revik was excited by the prospect.
“Oh wow, I hope Enrager decides that they need a keyboard player,” Revik said. “I saw them open for Warbringer a couple weeks ago, and they were killer. They played super fast and sang about traditional metal stuff like death and destruction. I’d love to come in and just suck all of the fun out of their songs by adding superfluous, synthy tones over all the thrashy riffs. I’ll go home right now and post on Craigslist that I’m a keyboardist in the area who’s looking to make an otherwise good metal band sound fucking awful and unlistenable. With any luck, they’ll hit me up soon.”
Fan Alisha DelGado hoped Enrager would not choose to add a keyboardist.
“Ugh, God, why do metal bands do this?” DelGado lamented. “If I wanted bullshit keyboards that put me to sleep, I’d listen to Dream Theater or Symphony X, but I have no desire to hear that garbage. Enrager plays music that’s great to thrash and pound beers to, and nothing will make me leave a mosh pit in disgust quicker than some ping-pingy keyboard solo in the middle of an otherwise sick song. Do you think Slayer ever considered adding a Moog to their tunes? No way, because it’s stupid. I’m going to be so pissed if they decide to go this route that I might not even get blackout drunk and puke in front of the stage at their next show.”
At press time, the members of Enrager were also contemplating adding a fretless bass.
