BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Longtime members of legendary drone-metal band Earth are reportedly annoyed by a recent performance that was perpetually interrupted by the narration of natural history legend David Attenborough, sources close to the band confirmed.
“He just kept hip-checking our sound technician out of the way and hopping on the god mic, describing everything we were doing in that soothing British accent of his. It was making Adrienne and me pretty self-conscious,” said Earth guitarist and founder Dylan Carlson, clearly still shaken by the experience. “I mean, I understand the marquee said ‘EARTH’ in big letters outside, so he obviously felt his presence was necessary. But how did he know our respective mating habits down to the last detail? I guess that’s one thing to say for the dude — he definitely does his research.”
Attenborough didn’t seem to notice that the band was irritated by his presence.
“The dirge-like rituals on display were nothing short of fascinating. I was reminded of the slowest mammal on Earth, the three-toed sloth of Southeastern Brazil, and how it evolved through millennia to necessitate moving less rather than eating more,” said the British broadcaster, as though he was being recorded for one of his many nature documentaries. “These musicians were doing exactly that, but with sound. In fact, they gave the dutiful sloth a run, or rather imperceptibly measured lagging, for its money in the sedation department. It was like nothing I’d seen before or since. Well, maybe at that one Sunn O))) show I wandered into a few years ago.”
Bill Nighy, narrator of “The World’s Most Scenic Railway Journeys,” expressed his thoughts on Attenborough’s sudden rogue mission at the concert.
“Well, you see, all famous elderly storytellers live as roommates in the same apartment, so we can better function as NYLON, the Not Young League of Narrators, which consists of me, Dave, the bloke who did the old ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle show,’ and of course, Morgan Freeman when he’s not booked. We usually run our schedules by the others over tea and toast every morning,” explained Nighy, in an effortlessly soothing timbre. “So when we later heard Ol’ Atty had gone ‘off-book’ that day at the Earth show, we were all taken aback. We of course admire his spirit, but it must be said that we at NYLON do not condone his actions. One more slip up and he’s liable to have to turn in his mic, pop filter, and water bottle.”
At press time, it was discovered that everyone in attendance had been long lulled to sleep by the soothing drone of Earth to have heard Attenborough’s musings anyway.