LA MESA, Calif. — Megadeth frontman and born again Christian Dave Mustaine revealed that he gave his life over to Jesus Christ only after having been turned down by every other deity, unsurprised sources reveal.
“I was going down a dark path after having practiced black magic as a teenager,” said Mustaine. “Then I got really heavily into drugs after I started Megadeth, and it was only through the infinite mercy and understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I was able to climb out of that dark hole. Of course, this was after literally every other deity ever conjured by the human race rejected my pleas for salvation, and I really don’t understand why. I was sure to point out how much better I am at guitar than Kirk Hammett in all of my prayers to these other gods. Maybe you have to speak differently to the creators in non-Christian religions, and I just wasn’t getting the message across.”
Utu, the ancient Mesopotamian sun god, reflected on Mustaine’s failed plea to get in His good graces.
“Ugh, that guy was the fucking worst,” Utu mentioned. “I get that he’s really good at guitar, and admittedly, those first four Megadeth albums are absolutely incredible, but have you ever had to have a conversation with him? He’s like everybody’s Fox News-brainwashed uncle rolled into one person. I’ve got a busy life, man. I’m serving as the divine judge of all of Mesopotamia. I can’t be spending my time listening to his repeated prayers for Megadeth to be admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and for James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich to beg for him to rejoin Metallica. Let Jesus put up with that obnoxious bullshit.”
Theologian Russel Wainwright provided his expertise on the matter.
“This is a perfect example of why most born-again Christians are so insufferable,” Wainwright said. “Few nonbelievers know this, but one of the steps on the path to Christ is first going to every other religion’s god to see if they’ll take you in. That’s why the vast majority of Christ’s followers are awful and annoying. They’re only following Him because no other divine beings would give them the time of day. Why else do you think most Republicans are Christian?”
At press time, Jesus Christ was considering kicking Mustaine out of Christianity because he was so irritating.
