ODESSA, Fla. — Popular wrestler turned musician Chris Jericho unfortunately announced plans to continue his music career with his metal band Fozzy, distressed sources report.
“Yeah man, I’ve been with Fozzy since 1999, and that’s what I’m primarily known for,” said Jericho while checking his monthly listener count on Spotify. “We’ve put out eight albums so far, and a lot of people would have called it quits by now, but I really want to continue gracing the world with my singing voice. I feel like I have a lot of awesome song ideas left in me, like one about a dragon. It would be a sin to keep that from the world. The looks of awe that I see from them when I’m rocking out on stage is so much more invigorating than the high that I always got from wrestling, so there’s no way I’m going to stop anytime soon.”
Music fan Reggie Serder reacted to the news.
“Ugh, that sucks, dude,” Serder lamented. “I can’t believe Jericho hasn’t caught on to how shitty his music is. I mean, I guess I liked him as a wrestler, but I still remember how disappointed I was the first time I heard a Fozzy song decades ago. Does this also mean people are going to continue interviewing him about metal music as if he’s some kind of peer in the genre? I still get pissed off when I think about how he badmouthed death metal vocals in ‘Heavy: the Story of Metal’ on VH1 as if anyone fucking cares what his opinion on the matter is. Now we get to continue hearing his shitty dad metal band. Great.”
Music expert Jada Cornell provided her insight on the matter.
“Chris Jericho may be an accomplished professional wrestler, but that definitely doesn’t mean he’s a good musician,” Cornell offered. “There’s a long history of professional athletes and entertainers who think their skills translate to music, with horrific results. Just look at Deion Sanders’ short-lived musical career, or Hilary Duff’s. The world would be a lot better off if people just stayed in their lanes, but unfortunately that’s not the case, and now we’re going to have upcoming music from Chris Jericho as a result.”
At press time, Jericho revealed that he had considered retiring from music, but decided against it because he didn’t want to deprive the world of new material.
