ARLINGTON, Va. — Math metal band Cosine recently ended a practice early after guitarist Clint Alfred refused to provide documentation for his latest riff, irritated sources confirmed.
“We have one rule as a band — ‘it’s a no, unless you show,’” said drummer Arnie Buckelmyer. “You can melt our faces off all you want, but unless you can exhibit the formula used to create said face-melting riff, we can’t move forward with it. And look, it’s not just about us, this is ultimately about Clint. Him showing us his work will build his critical thinking and communication skills. If we just let him wank mindlessly all over his fretboard, then who’s that really helping? It’s important to have the correct riff, but it’s even more important to show us how you got there.”
Frustrated with his bandmates’ request, Alfred powered down his three pedal boards, and left the practice space early.
“I understand their point, but I’d had a long day of being an accountant at the graph paper factory and I just wanted to shred,” said Alfred, while restringing his new 9-string microtonal guitar. “Besides, it wasn’t anything that difficult: seven open-D palm mutes in 7/8, into 13 Octatonic sweeps in B minor, then back into nine open palm mutes in 11/8. I mean, come on. I might as well be playing ‘Seven Nation Army’ on a kazoo.”
Ivar Andreassen, Professor of Polynomial Triads at the Oslo Institute of Djent Technology, believes any self-proclaimed math metal band should take documentation seriously.
“The most important piece of equipment in the practice space isn’t the amp, or the drum kit… it’s the whiteboard,” said Andreassen as his Multi-Modal Pinch Harmonics seminar was leaving the lecture hall. “You should be able to map out every move you make, step by step, so that others can follow and build off of your work. All the time, my students are asking why we need to show work. And to that I say, oh, if you don’t you’re going to end up playing Green Day covers in mama’s basement. That usually scares them straight.”
At press time, Alfred was spotted at a local coffee shop studying for a quiz his bandmates planned to give him during their next practice.