LOS ANGELES – Blink 182’s highly anticipated new album “One More Time” will not feature songs about how Tom Delonge was right about aliens thanks to a strict policy Mark Hoppus enforced throughout the recording process, confirmed sources with Dickies shorts, tube socks, and high-top Vans.
“Yes, we’re all very excited that Tom was right about aliens. It really makes all those hours we spent on the bus where he would talk at us about government cover-ups worth it,” said Hoppus while thumbing through girly magazines at 7-Eleven. “But you know what? It’s 2023, and the world is a different place. There are plenty of other topics for us to cover in these news songs Like, I saw a dog take a liquid shit last year. And this other time, there was a fight at the mall, and this chick’s boob totally popped out. Right in front of Panda Express. As a matter of fact, there’s even a song about when I banged your mom twice. In your own bed.”
Tom DeLonge was initially hesitant about the edict, but in the end, he admitted he agreed with the band’s directive.
“I didn’t mind at all,” said DeLonge. “I want the focus of the new record to be more about the classic Blink lineup reuniting, and less about you incorrectly thinking I was a zonked-out pillhead while I was actually working with the government to uncover shadow conspiracies. The new album is sick. Mark wrote this song about a girl he fingered in high school that is a straight-up banger. Besides, the next Angels & Airwaves will cover how right I was about aliens in exhaustive, comprehensive detail.”
An FBI agent spoke about the new Blink 182 record on the condition of anonymity.
“The United States Government has already deployed a sleeper agent to monitor the Blink 182 organization from within,” said the FBI agent while offering us a cigarette in a parking garage. “We can’t tell you the specifics of the mission, but we can tell you that he should be able to drum up some convincing intelligence regarding DeLonge. You might say the agent is always behind DeLonge, and that he will be keeping the interests of the band very close to his heavily tattooed chest.”
At press time, Blink 182 was seen purchasing fake IDs despite the fact that they are highly recognizable public figures who are well above drinking age.