Willimantic, Conn. — Local man Robby Walsh experienced an unprecedented medical emergency when he passed out from vigorously crossing his arms during the set of opening band Trucknutz at The GNC Beatdown Festival, venue officials confirmed.
”Yeah we see this all the time. I haven’t worked a gig yet where every miserable fuck in the room isn’t crossing their arms. But this was different,” said head of security and “Big” Donnie Peters. “As soon as this guy buried his mitts in his pits I smelled trouble. Super aggro. For a second I thought he was a new security hire, or maybe he was just holding in a big shit. But the harder the band played, the harder this angry little fucker crossed his arms, until his face went blue and then BAM!, lights out. His head hitting the floor sounded like dropping a wet sock on concrete.”
Scene samaritan Ryan Loudermilk recounted thinking on his feet in a moment when the victim simply could not.
”In our scene, you go down, we pick your ass back up. Problem was, this band was such dogshit that we weren’t about to uncross our arms, even to help this kid out,” Loudermilk said. “So we compromised and lent a foot instead. Since we couldn’t do much we just sort of kicked him around to see if he would wake back up. When the medics arrived they said we probably did ‘irreversible damage to his organs’ but we did what we could to help. But get this: despite being booted repeatedly while the worst band in the entire world played he stayed cross-armed, too. Legend.”
Deborah Kelb, retired bail bondswoman turned EMT, was gobsmacked when she arrived at the venue.
“I mostly get called to these shows because some candyass fumbles a stage dive or a promoter stiffs the band and gets his comeuppance. But this was a first responder first,” said Kelb. “Dipshit’s arms were pretzeled so tightly that he actually squeezed tie dye out of his t-shirt. We played it by the book and tried everything we could to get his arms back to normal. Tummy tickles. Nut punches. I even flashed my titties. Twice. Nothing. Thank Christ the Willimantic Fire Department showed. You ever seen the jaws of life used on a man’s arms before?”
The heroic rescue pivoted tragedy into triumph, inspiring everyone in attendance to uncross their arms and applaud, which at the time of press were two things frontman Scotty D confirmed, “Never happen at Trucknutz shows.”