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All-Male Band Just Waiting to Meet the Right Girl Bassist

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Members of the all-male threepiece Wrecker Ocean are waiting for a female bass guitarist to make their lineup, and “souls,” complete, confirmed sources close to the band.

The young trio, who have been crafting their sound in drummer Chester Rossi’s basement for nearly a month, believe they are finally ready to settle down with the right female bass player.

“Our songs are unique, but let’s face it — without a mysterious-looking girl in our rhythm section, we have zero hope of any real exposure,” said vocalist Raymond Cruse. “It’d be great if she wore glasses and owned a few worn-out cardigans, but we’d totally settle for an asymmetrical haircut.”

The three white, cis-gender males met earlier this year at a house party, when they realized they were all wearing the same black “Ally” T-shirt. They all agreed that if they formed a band, they’d need to find a “princess of funk” or “four-string femme fatale.”

“We knew we had a problem when we looked through our phone contacts and Facebook friends, and realized all the women we knew were family members, ex-girlfriends, coworkers, or friends of our ex-girlfriends,” said guitarist Riley Ferrara. “Absolutely none of them fit the image of a girl who probably smokes cigarettes and has a cat at her studio apartment named after an 18th century author.”


The search for the perfect addition to the band’s rhythm section has so far proven much more difficult than anticipated.

“Our band page on OKCupid keeps getting blocked when we tell potential matches they need to be ready to sleep with us in a van. We want to start touring ASAP,” said Cruse. “This really is only going to be a professional relationship. None of us would actually want to date her, unless she was into that.”

According to internal reports, the most promising candidate was a young woman named Laura Cooper, a piano player who attended the same high school as all three members. Sadly, she was ultimately rejected when the trio remembered she didn’t have a single facial piercing, and had picked Smash Mouth as her favorite band in the sixth grade.

As of press time, Wrecker Ocean’s backup plan is to photoshop a woman into their band picture and just say she “couldn’t make it” to each show.

Photo by Danny Krug.