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Last Minute Decision to Attend Show Narrowly Keeps Scene Alive

PHOENIX — Overnight legend Kenny Mahoney single-handedly saved his local punk rock scene last night with a last-minute decision to attend a show, following several unsuccessful attempts at making other plans.

“I really didn’t feel like going at first,” said Mahoney, speaking to gathered press as the celebration raged on behind him. “But when I couldn’t figure out anything else to do, I said, ‘Fuck it — the venue is only a few blocks from my house.’ Then, when I got there and paid the $5, everyone started freaking out about hitting their goal. I didn’t even realize it was a fundraiser.”

Following Mahoney’s paid admittance, door guy Todd Gould made the official announcement that they had reached their goal, raising Mahoney’s arm in triumph. With his entry fee, the DIY venue known as the Mess Hall would remain open for at least another few months, inspiring a raucous rejoicing from the small crowd.

“Oh, man… Kenny really came through for all of us tonight,” said Gould. “We had our backs against the wall, that’s for sure. But, you know, some people really are selfless, and will put the greater good of the scene ahead of anything else. Kenny Mahoney kept punk rock alive today.”

Not content to merely keep the local scene afloat, reports also confirmed Mahoney spent a generous amount on the headlining band’s merchandise, drastically bettering their odds of finishing their tour.

“That guy was crucial as fuck,” said Jamie Splitter, bass player for Ram It! “This tour has been fucking brutal — we were planning to cancel the last week of dates. But this awesome motherfucker bought a shirt and a few pins, and now, we can gas up and get to Des Moines.”

“DIY is alive and well here in Phoenix,” added Splitter, “and our tour will continue — specifically because of one man: Kenny Mahoney.”

The celebration of Mahoney’s heroic act reportedly lasted long into the night, and a week-long music festival is being planned in honor of his altruistic actions. Mahoney, however, claimed his newfound adoration was overblown.

“Hey, I’m just one guy who never misses a show, unless there’s something better to do or I have to work or something,” Mahoney said at a parade held on his behalf. “I am not a hero.”

Photo by Matt Gill.

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