LOS ANGELES — Longtime Slayer guitarist Kerry King is reportedly scouring tabs on UltimateGuitar.com in a sudden attempt to relearn some of his most famous riffs before the band’s reunion shows, sources confirmed.
“I have to admit, I haven’t picked up the guitar much over the past five years. It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just busy. Between gardening, antique spoon collecting, and adding to my extensive collection of rare exotic reptiles, I just haven’t had time to shred,” said King while waiting to get through all 17 pop-up ads before arriving at the Ultimate Guitar home screen. “I’ve heard this app is so good that there are always 10 to 12 versions of the same song on it. I’m sure the staff over at Ultimate Guitar have pretty rigorous quality control for anything they allow on the site. However, I still haven’t found a guitar tab that includes that cool clap of thunder at the beginning of the track. I don’t remember how I did that on guitar.”
This was not the first time King has sought help for his guitar skills.
“I tried…believe me…I tried,” lamented Dave Hernandez, guitar instructor once hired by manager Rick Sales. “They always bring me in a few months before Slayer starts a new tour. Turns out, Kerry forgets everything he’s ever written within days of guitar inactivity. I try to keep it simple; scales, building chords, sweep picking…things that really could benefit any guitarist. Unfortunately, it just never sticks with Kerry and we have to do it all over again before their next tour.”
Metal guitarists seem excited by the possibility of having their tab selected by King for his lessons.
“My version of ‘Raining Blood’ is flawless,” said Jay Canto, creator of “RAINING BLOOD correct version BEST and solo_3.” “I nailed every part of the song. Well, except for the solo, interlude, bridge, and outro, but honestly I think those parts are pretty self-explanatory. Drop D is really the secret to Slayer, my friend Jeff always says it’s half-step down, but seriously, listen to the album, you don’t get that heavy without drop tuning.”
At press time, King was said to be looking up bass lines for “Angel of Death” to avoid involving Tom Araya in the reunion.