AMARILLO, Texas — Local bassist Garson Plumporthos of touring drum and bass duo Chappie’s Return is reportedly seething with envy over the fact that his amp always seems to ride in the car’s front seat, anonymous sources confirmed.
“I know it sounds like I’m whining, but I just haven’t been allowed to ride shotgun this whole stupid tour. I’m so sick of being relegated to the backseat like I’m being toted off to soccer practice. And don’t get me started on the smug air of self-satisfaction that amp has been giving off, woof!” said Plumporthos. “Plus, it’s my gear! Why don’t I have any say where it goes? I swear, I’ll go acoustic if that means I could get up there. I’ll ruin my whole reputation just to put my feet up on that dashboard and have access to the center console cup holder.”
Drummer Woody Li feigned objectivity when it comes to the placement of gear in the car.
“Look, it just so happens that I have a better rapport with the amp over the one I have with what’s-his-ass. It’s as simple as that. He shouldn’t take it personally, and he certainly shouldn’t go around accusing me of passive-aggression,” said a calm Li, from the driver’s seat of his Subaru. “It just so happens that his amp is a better navigator, music selector, and FRIEND. Not to mention, it doesn’t ask me to pull over every time it sees a rest stop. That’s all.”
Renowned couples therapist Hale Fortner has been brought on to monitor the band’s brewing rage.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say the animosity is dormant. It’s on full display. Clearly, they have lots and lots of work to do when it comes to one-on-one communication and vehicular seating etiquette. Unfortunately, that exact negative energy really brings a powerful passion and vibrancy to their live shows,” said Fortner. “So their label has contacted me to ensure that the hostility remains between them, so the kids that have come to see them have a good time and buy their records. Healing is greatly needed, in my professional opinion, but it’s something that can always be done once all their t-shirts have been sold.”
Soon after their next gig, Li purported to have a great time with the merch boxes, and had Plumporthos demoted even further back to the trunk.