It’s alarming. Your friend took a trip to Santa Fe after a grisly break up and the first thing you see when you’re catching up over drinks is a curl-brimmed 400-dollar Stetson on their heads. What happened? They’re not losing their hair. They were never really “hat guys” in the first place. And now with this thing on their heads, how are you supposed to keep it together? Follow our step-by-step guide and you will be able to make it through this with your friendship still intact.
Stay Kind and Calm
When you see this kind of behavior for the first time, it is important to maintain your composure. They’re trying out something new and they might already be a little insecure about it. You have to remember lines like “breaker breaker 1-9, we have an incel moseying up to a high top table” are just going to alienate them during a very vulnerable time. You need to be steady and calm, and you certainly can’t reference that they look like Johnny Depp choking down a margarita and practicing for the deposition. Just stay gentle, and help them come to their own conclusion that literally everyone is laughing at them.
What if They Don’t Want to Listen?
Despite your best efforts, your friend might become increasingly resistant to any advice, especially because this hat has somehow bred confidence. That extra squeeze of tension on their heads makes them cut off arguments and claim they know better automatically. Sometimes, they’re also too distracted. Maybe a flawed 4K transfer on a Criterion release has made them too hostile and violent for self-reflection. This can be a hard phase, but all is not lost unless these next factors come to fruition.
When to Seek Assistance
More than 2 of these symptoms are grounds for assistance from a healthcare professional.
- Their playlists are heavy with Townes van Zandt, ‘90s Hip Hop, and anything else they heard being played in a farm-to-table restaurant.
- Constantly showing you Kill Tony and One Bite Pizza Review videos.
- Conspicuous copy of Bukowski’s poetry hanging out of their satchel.
- Posts a staged picture of cigarettes and a typewriter on social media with a caption like “Hello old friend.”
- Claims to have bought turquoise from the guy American Spirits based their logo on.
Helpful Literature
Not much has been produced academically, but their assumed ownership of copies of “Infinite Jest” or “People’s History of the United States” could be blunt enough for physical re-education without leaving a mark.