ATLANTA — The Howling Goons’ plan to let their drummer assume extra vocal duties backfired thanks to his headset microphone amplifying his labored breathing, gum chewing, and throat-clearing alongside his stellar, out-of-this-world harmonies, confirmed sources.
“I’ve never felt more free,” rejoiced Kurt Stagwood while loudly sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend lozenge to ensure he could hit the high notes. “Back in the mic stand days, I’d always wrestle with the damn thing, and it interfered with my drumming in ways that make me so angry just thinking about it. Now that we’re headlining with three-hour sets, it’s one less thing to worry about. When it’s time to belt out the chorus, all I have to do is open my mouth and do my thing. I never want to go back to the old way, because our audience deserves these high-quality performances.”
Howling Goons’ lead vocalist Bryan Stillborn is at his wits’ end after exhausting every possible option in his efforts to mitigate Stagwood’s unintentional extras dominating his in-ear monitors.
“Look, I’m glad Kurt’s backing me up with his amazing singing. Drummers with perfect pitch don’t come around often, and he sings like a fucking angel,” said Stillborn while fiddling with the mixing board, desperately trying to dial out the frequency that picks up post-nasal drip. “But we’re a traveling band, Kurt has all the allergies, and he insists on his mid-set bag of ‘emergency Cheetos,’ the crunchy kind, for that carb boost to keep himself running hot during that mid-set crash. We’re high energy, so when he really gets going on the kit, it sounds like a walrus passing a kidney stone and everybody can hear it.”
ASMR expert Kathy Greenblatt weighs in on how to handle Stagwood’s phlegm gems without upsetting the band’s dynamic.
“Kurt is a stellar vocalist, and his newfound freedom makes their live show infinitely better,” asserted Greenblatt while rapping her fingernails on a freshly cooked chicken cutlet for her YouTube channel. “And losing the flexibility of the hands-free mic will hurt their performance. What they should do is record the isolated headset tracks off the board and sell them to people who use that stuff to either fall asleep or rub one out. With an entirely new revenue stream, they can hire a proper sound guy to dial out the noise.”
At press time, Stagwood was spotted strapping a portable fan to his neck to keep cool under the stage lights.
