BUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.
“The guy was calling himself ‘Ulikka The Gooch’ and wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head,” complained concertgoer Mike Lee. “It felt like he was not taking Gwar seriously. As a ticket holder, I was somewhat insulted. We all were. I mean, we took time out of our busy schedules and we’re paying good money to see a live show and get sprayed with fake blood, and this guy’s up on stage with couch cushions duct taped to his chest. I expect higher quality from this band.”
Matterhorn is an up-and-coming fill-in musician, but this was his first time performing with Gwar.
“This was all very last minute,” Matterhorn said while checking to see if a goalie mask would work for tonight’s fill-in show with Slipknot. “On Tuesday, I was temping at Bank of America, and now I’m here – singing about being attacked by penguins while wearing a jacket covered in vacuum cleaner attachments. It’s a lot. I’m still getting used to it. This is a big change of pace for me. This is partially my fault though. I lied on my resume about having a full science fiction-themed costume with mythological backstory.”
Members of the band were thankful they could get someone on such short notice, but were not entirely pleased with the result.
“James is a talented bass player and a very kind person, but a lot of people had a hard time believing he was an interplanetary scumdog fixated on wrecking human civilization, conquering the planet and feeding every person to the world maggot. It’s a shame that we will almost certainly have to kill him,” explained Gwar frontman Blöthar the Berserker, known to family and friends as Michael Bishop. “For one thing, the guy was wearing oven mitts. Not ideal. But at least he seemed to have a great time throwing people into the meat grinder. That’s something.”
At press time, guitarist Mike Derks, also known as Balsac the Jaws of Death, loaned Matterhorn his backup bear trap headgear, as long as he promised to take it to the dry cleaners after the performance.