SAN DIEGO — A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “The Velvet Underground and Nico,” sources also hauling ass confirmed.
“You think you put on a Velvet Underground shirt and you’re not ruffling any feathers, y’know? But, I guess feathers isn’t the thing I’m worried about, it’s fur…and the skin of my own hide if I don’t run fast enough,” said Rupert Comers, while rounding a corner at a full sprint. “I’ll tell you something else, this particular Sunday morning isn’t like the ‘Sunday Morning’ on the album at all. Ol’ Lou forgot to put some lyrics in about running for your damn life to get away from the pack of hungry zoo animals who think you’re a giant piece of fruit. Buddy, it’s not the ‘world’ behind me, it’s potentially rabid gorillas! Oh, but he got the ‘restless feeling’ part dead on, I can confirm.”
Original Velvet Underground drummer Moe Tucker confirmed that the band had a long and tumultuous history when it came to primate aggression.
“A lot of writers over the years have used ‘primal’ to describe our sound, but it more described our merch table, what with all the apes and chimpanzees from surrounding exotic animal compounds who would flock to it,” said Tucker, whose sunglasses did nothing to hide the fear in her eyes. “It was probably why so few people initially bought our first album…because they didn’t want to get bitten by the orangutan trying to eat it. That old saying is true: every person that did buy that album went on to get attacked by a gorilla themselves. Uh, at least I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ll be honest, we hid it well, but we actually did an awful lot of drugs over the years.”
Noted primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall expounded on her experience with the Velvet Underground’s music during her time in Gombe.
“It took my 30 years of research to confirm it, but it’s true: primates love bananas. And some will do unspeakable things in order to get one. So, when I lived among the chimpanzees, we had to be sure to only listen to ‘White Light/White Heat’ or ‘Loaded.’ The self-titled, good as an album as it is, was out of the question for exactly those reasons,” said Goodall, flanked by her formidable record collection that no one knew she even had. “Oh, but we’d never listen to ‘Squeeze’…fuck that one, of course. I’m not committing that kind of animal abuse.”
At press time, matters were made even worse when Comers finally removed the shirt, revealing an entirely unhelpful tattoo of “a bunch of bamboo shoots with ants on them” on his back.