Behold! Football is upon us, which means it would be foolish of us not to provide an official power ranking of every NFL starting quarterback. This way, people who still call it “sportsball” to show off their magnificent indifference can get caught up to speed and avoid feeling left out of conversations. Not to mention that it’s also Komodo dragon season, which just seems to come earlier and earlier every year.
So forget every other ranking out there and feast your eyes upon this list of every starting quarterback ranked by their likelihood to have their fingers bitten sqaure off by a Komodo dragon by week eight or nine.
32. Geno Smith, Seattle Seahawks
Geno played for the Jets and lived to tell the tale. From his experience navigating professional sports dumpster fires, he knows better than to put himself in a precarious situation where a Jurassic Park-like dinosaur lizard could potentially mangle his hands.
31. Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens
Running quarterbacks are known to be fast, elusive, and adept at escaping Komodo dragon encounters in the pocket. Lamar is a sure bet to end the season with all 10 of his fingers because of his elite rushing upside. Put money on that.
30. Gardner Minshew, Las Vegas Raiders
Gardner comes from a long line of highly successful Komodo breeders so he knows his way around lizard mouths. Sure, his father may have lost his pinky finger in 2002 to a routine biting incident, but Gardner has learned from the mistakes of his ancestors and has had applied that to his NFL career.
29. Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis Colts
Komodo dragons can reach speeds of up to 12 miles per hour in short bursts. Luckily, Anthony can do five or six times that, so most wild animals don’t stand a chance. Not even these endangered ones who can’t even get their shit together and reproduce. He’ll easily outperform Komodo-threat expectations this year.
28. Jared Goff, Detroit Lions
Jared seems to have had a renaissance in Detroit. He’s even made the Lions a good football team. It is way harder to make the Detroit Lions a respectable franchise than it is to leave the Komodo dragon exhibit with all of your digits. Goff is lizard-proof.
27. Caleb Williams, Chicago Bears
Caleb was drafted first overall this year thanks to his elite arm, accuracy, and pocket awareness. He’s one of the best prospects since Peyton Manning, and that guy finished his career without sustaining a single apex predator attack during the season.
26. Jordan Love, Green Bay Packers
We all know Komodo dragons hate cold weather so they will be nowhere near Lambeau Field. If they ever figured out how to manufacture little sweaters for themselves, they would end us all individually. Thanks to the failures of evolution, Jordan is one of the safest bets against Komodo danger in the NFL this year.
25. Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs
Mahomes has a vested interest in keeping his fingers intact because it’s stipulated in his contract that if he were to ever lose any appendages from a wild animal encounter he would have to forfeit any guaranteed money he’s owed. That’s why you never see Patrick at zoos, pet adoption locations, or BYO Komodo dragon parties.
24. Bryce Young, Carolina Panthers
The biggest knock against Bryce is that he has small hands. This may not be ideal for an NFL quarterback, but it actually works tremendously in his favor during an unexpected encounter with a menacing Komodo dragon because it means his fingers will be harder to sink one’s teeth into. Bryce has a very promising reptile-precluding career ahead of him.
23. Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills
Josh is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You think a 200-pound lizard can take him down? Please, he has to deal with Buffalo Bills fans on a daily basis. Komodo dragons are nothing in comparison.
22. Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles
Komodo dragons have been known to dig up human corpses from cemeteries and eat them. Luckily, Jalen is very much alive so he won’t have to worry about that this year. However, Jalen’s great grandparents are not safe. Someone check on their graves.
21. Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys
Dak has spent the entire offseason on his conditioning and practicing fending off Komodo dragons. Unfortunately, he’s been using chameleons as a stand-in. Everyone knows they’re not the same, but it’s still better than not training at all. Dak should be fine. If anything, he’ll know when a Komodo dragon changes colors, if they even do that.
20. Kyler Murray, Arizona Cardinals
The United States doesn’t have any Komodo dragons, but if they were going to magically appear somewhere, it would definitely be in Arizona. Specifically, in Glendale. This state has been preparing for this sort of invasion for decades. That’s why they do Komodo dragon drills in elementary school where they hide under their desk after they sound an alarm. This is also part of the Cardinals’ team drills, so Kyler should be prepared.
19. Jacoby Brissett, New England Patriots
Jacoby has been on five different teams in his NFL career. If he was going to get annihilated by a humongous lizard it would have happened already and definitely when he played for the Browns.
18. Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins
Miami is a party city and every October they hold the Running of the Komodo Dragons where participants get the chance to run from stampeding monitor lizards. The Dolphins are known to run in the event as a team-building exercise every year, so Tua has experience averting reptilian danger. Tyreek Hill always wins though, but their backup kicker always gets torn to shreds.
17. Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals
Joe Burrow was actually out for much of last year due to a lingering Komodo dragon attack that resulted in him losing half of his calf muscle. These kinds of soft tissue injuries are not likely to spread to your fingers so he should be fine this year.
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