SEWICKLEY, Pa. — Audience members of last night’s Duck Cruncher show were surprised by an elaborate timeshare presentation instead of a proper encore, intrigued yet fiscally cautious sources confirmed.
“Look, the fact of the matter is, we care about our fans and wanted to let them in on this deal of a lifetime. If that means putting our instruments aside for a moment, and showing a few slides of this property in Montauk–which is beautiful this time of year, might I add–so be it,” said longtime Duck Cruncher guitarist Freida “Gizmo” Paramus. “Pardon us for trying to give the crowd their hard-earned money’s worth! I mean, have you ever been to Montauk in the spring? You haven’t? Well, at least take a few of these complimentary full-color brochures.”
Employees of the Kitchen Sink, the venue of the Duck Cruncher show, expressed dubiousness over the band’s ethics.
“Oh, it’s a total scam. But I’ve seen it work on a huge slew of ill-advised audience members over the years. It’s no wonder that band has such fancy new gear all of the time,” said bartender Lemon Kendrix. “Any time one of them needs a new amp or they want to upgrade the stage lights, out comes the Powerpoint presentation. Still, I must admit, they really do make Montauk sound like a paradise. Perhaps I’ll take them up on a week or two in the summer months, around my birthday.”
Strikingly obvious audience plant Orvis Pfeffer refused to drop the bit, even during his interview.
“Wow, what a fantastic deal! You’d have to be crazy to mosh past a bargain like that,” shouted Pfeffer, while slyly circulating paperwork throughout the crowd as they left. “Gee, is it just me, or should they just do the presentation a few times through, instead of playing more of those pesky songs? Oh, and if nobody has a pen, I’ve got a bunch right here. Better sign up, before I take the whole year. Montauk ‘n roll forever!”
At press time, suspicions regarding Duck Cruncher’s scamming were enforced when they turned their merch table into a Three-Card Monte station.
