CHICAGO — Shane Patterson, financial manager at Sunset Holdings and self-professed “elder emo”, spent the last two weeks of company time desperately trying to code the new Fall Out Boy single “Love From The Other Side” into his Microsoft Teams homepage, according to multiple frustrated sources.
“I did this all the time in my parents’ computer room back in high school. Just have to get the .html right. I honestly can’t believe our multi-million dollar company, with wealthy shareholders across the globe, supports software this archaic,” Patterson whispered into his seventh cup of black coffee. “Not only am I unable to embed this song, which, is giving off the best ‘Folie a Deux’ meets ‘Take This To Your Grave’ vibes, but I can’t even code in a little dog pushing a ball across the screen with his nose, either. This is like 1999 all over again.”
Sunset Holdings IT specialist Jenna Fitzgerald admitted that she was at the end of her rope due to Patterson’s flood of support tickets.
“It’s not even about the sheer volume of help requests he’s submitted, it’s how he’s writing them,” Fitzgerald explained. “I’m like, having to decipher the saddest slam poetry, all over a request for editor access. Don’t even get me started on how he’s signing the support tickets – what the hell is a car crash heart, anyway? And look, I’m Gen Z, I don’t judge anyone over how they identify or who they love, but the cheap box dye he just started using has stained the headrests of five different office chairs. Between him and Martha in Human Resources who keeps requesting I convert an MP3 into a PDF for her, I’m about to lose it”.
Tom from MySpace shared how stoked he is to see personalized coding find its way into the American workplace.
“When I started a little company you may have heard of, my only goal was for its users to bond over radical self-expression. With customized headers ranging from dancing avocados all the way to dancing hamsters, to musical selections and hilarious glitter .gifs, we enabled our users to stylize their content however they wanted, so long as these nerds didn’t need our help doing it,” said the Myspace founder. “It only makes sense that our new generation of workers want to incorporate this into the productivity platforms they use the most. Perhaps the CEO of Sunset Holdings should take note of this, and then become an employee favorite and land in everyone’s Teams Top 8.”
At press time, Patterson was petitioning the principles of Sunset Holdings to migrate the company’s entire network infrastructure to a more malleable digital workspace prior to the next Fall Out Boy single drop.