WASHINGTON — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine is petitioning the Trump administration to institute a new law to prevent bands from firing their best guitarist, headbanging onlookers reported.
“I don’t care what anyone says—I’ve seen it happen way too many times, and it’s wrong,” said Mustaine. “Bands kick out the guy who brings the riffs, the soul, and the fire. If you’re the most talented guitarist, not to mention the handsomest, you should be the one in control of your future. It’s like cutting off your right arm for no reason and replacing it with the Exodus guitarist’s arm. I’ve watched it happen with all sorts of bands, like ones where the best guitarist gets the boot because of politics or personality clashes. I’m the one who brings the energy, the riffs that people can’t forget. I don’t care how successful a band is after their best guitarist leaves! I mean at least give them credit for ‘The Four Horseman.’ It’s time for our government to step in!”
President Donald Trump, always quick to align with Mustaine, voiced his full support.
“Dave is a legend, and I’m 100% behind him on this,” Trump said. “Bands can’t just get rid of their highest quality guitarist. That’s just sad. No band ever succeeded without their original lead guitarist—except for maybe a few, but they didn’t have Dave Mustaine. Believe me, I’ll sign an executive order on this. It’s time to protect the great musicians, who were metal guys but now are born again Christians and support MAGA, who’ve been screwed over.”
While the president’s backing has rallied some to Mustaine’s cause, others, like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, are skeptical.
“Oh great, another law protecting washed-up guitarists from the consequences of their own egos. Maybe we should also ban bands from replacing drummers who ‘find Jesus’ mid-tour, or ban starting a new band because your gooner guitarist spent all the band’s money on OnlyFans,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “I know the cis white guys are feeling sad these days, but are we going to create a whole new level of victimhood for aging rockstars who were disappointed four decades ago? And did any of these guys ever stop to consider that maybe—just maybe—they got fired because their singing sounds like the Cryptkeeper doing karaoke?”
At press time, Mustaine was reportedly drafting a follow-up proposal demanding that all fired guitarists be legally entitled to release an album called “The Real Metallica, Vol. 1.”