EVANSTON, Ill. – Local eleven-year-old and fanatical Taylor Swift fan Sophia Ellis is wowing the Swiftie community with her advanced online harassing, particularly in her ruthless doxxing of music reviewers who dare to state even the mildest of criticism toward Ms. Swift.
“Tay Tay means everything to me,” said Ellis during her free period between Biology and Home Room. “Some people call me a prodigy, but all I know is that when I get online and start SWAT-ing anyone who says the spoken-word bridge of ‘Me!’ was anything less than genius, it just feels natural. It’s not that I don’t put in the hard work to drive anti-Taylor critics to suicide, because I do. But I know that this is what I was meant to do and I want to do it the best.”
Freelance music critic Tory Gill can attest to Ellis’ skill as a ruthless defender of Taylor Swift’s music output, personal life, and sense of style.
“My life is pure hell,” said Gill, glumly reading his 17th email accusing him of being a pedophile. “All I did was write a review of ‘Reputation’ in which I commented that the track title ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ uncomfortably echoes the language of domestic abusers. Ever since then, this sixth-grader has been torturing me in ways Abu Ghraib interrogators would never dream of. Have you seen your name written on a Trapper Keeper and marked for death, just under Jake Gyllenhaal? I have. She’s like the Mozart of destroying people’s lives. Releasing their Social Security Number to Russian identity thieves, calling their mother to say they’re dead in a car accident, the works. Sophia, if you’re reading this, please, no more.”
Global pop star Taylor Swift has words of caution for her young, vengeful fans.
“I would never support online harassment and cyberbullying,” Swift said from her private jet. “But Sophia, I know that you are one of my true fans, and all should fear you. Mark my words, critics, I have millions of tiny, intensely focused followers like Sophia out there, and at my command, I will unleash torments that will make you wish that all existence would end. Only then will your suffering be over. ‘Midnights’ is currently on sale at all retailers and available on all major streaming services!”
As of press time, Sophia’s eyes had turned complete, unblinking black upon finding a Reddit comment that implied Swift’s guitar work was rudimentary at best.