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Classic Rock Station Forced to Admit It Only Plays Some of the Hits

BALTIMORE — Following weeks of public pressure, local classic rock station WBZA admitted today that their claim of playing “all the hits” is false, as they actually play only a small collection of hits on a predictable schedule.

“This is a humbling and eye-opening moment for us all,” stated drive-time DJ Tom “Morning” Wood in a press conference. “The public placed their trust in us, and I think it is an understatement to say that trust was betrayed. I hope everyone out there continues to rock with us during these trying times. We will do our best to bring you rock blocks and commercial-free commutes featuring some — I have to repeat that — some of the hits.”

Wood ended the press conference by announcing his immediate resignation, but many speculators claim the damage may already have been done.

“An apology and a few token resignations are simply not enough,” said FCC Chair Ajit Pai in a press release announcing the formation of investigative committee. “There needs to be accountability and systematic change if they ever hope to regain the public’s trust. How can a station that plays ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ twice a day, but hardly ever plays ‘Freebird,’ claim to have all the hits? According to one source, this station has never once played ‘N.I.B.’ by Black Sabbath. That is a disgrace.”

An investigative study from independent watchdog group True Rockers showed massive oversights led to the exclusion of artists such as Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, and even Pink Floyd.

“If we don’t confront this level incompetence and corruption now, what’s next?” said True Rocker founder Billy “Big Bad” Wolffe. “Is Mix 106.5 really playing the best of the ’80s, ’90s and today? These are the results we get when we allow the industry to regulate itself.”

Initiatives taken by WBZA in the wake of the investigation include limiting artists to one song per commercial-free hours, and hiring Steve from the record store to help flesh out their playlist — as well as full participation in a Congressional investigation.

“You don’t bounce back from a scandal like this overnight,” declared House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “When the public tunes into classic rock, they want Boston, Foreigner, and Kansas. None of this Pearl Jam and Green Day bullshit.”

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