TORONTO — Sizable indie group Broken Social Scene is reportedly on the hunt for other Canadian supergroups to start an intramural hockey league with, sources who dusted off their shin pads confirmed.
“This is just a natural step in our music careers. Besides, we already have two of every position on hand, including three backup goalies,” said founding member Kevin Drew while covered head-to-toe in Bauer hockey equipment. “In fact, we would’ve fired our bass player years ago but he’s just too good at the right wing position. Plus, just last week he scored a hat trick in a practice match against Arcade Fire. Honestly, the only reason I formed this band was as a stepping stone to establish a weekly hockey league and we are currently accepting other extra large bands. Luckily, every other Canadian group contains a hockey team’s worth of musicians.”
Fellow large-membered Canadian band the New Pornographers was hesitant to join Broken Social Scene’s hockey league.
“I was totally on board to play in the league when I was first invited. After all, Emily Haines of Metric offered to referee the games,” said vocalist Carl Newman. “But unfortunately, indie bands take hockey to extreme levels. Last time we were in an indie-based hockey league, there were brutal in-game fistfights. We like our hockey as much as the next country, but that’s still no excuse for Feist to kick the shit out of our guitarist in game three of the playoffs last year. She still refuses to pay for their medical bills.”
Experts were quick to note that these types of scenarios weren’t exclusive to bands from the Great White North.
“Perhaps surprisingly, unnecessarily large American bands are not that different from Canadian ones,” said music historian Jackie Tanning. “For instance, each member of Slipknot is in a flag football team that plays on Tuesdays. Several ska bands are in a baseball league with each other and Reel Big Fish won the championship last year. And the Polyphonic Spree has so many members that they’ve started their own basketball league with upwards of eight teams, all within the same band. For many, forming bands with superfluous members is just a way to play organized sports.”
At press time, Broken Social Scene came to the realization that a hockey league wasn’t in the cards, but told fellow bands that they’d settle for a curling tournament.