SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Newlyweds Brian and Susan Moore returned from their honeymoon late last week to find their wedding mix CD skewered by Pitchfork, earning a meager 2.7 out of 10 on the publication’s rating scale.
“Honestly, I don’t even know how [Pitchfork] got a copy,” Mr. Moore said of the mix CD for which he and his wife handcrafted 200 individual sleeves. “Reading that review was not how I wanted to start the rest of my life with Susan.”
The Moores, self-proclaimed “music fanatics,” allegedly spent hours picking out just the right songs to capture their unique love and joy to share with the world on their special day.
“If you’re a person who thinks Cracker Barrel is fine dining, considers James Patterson novels literary masterpieces, or are otherwise one of the mouth-breathing troglodytes that ‘lets loose’ on the weekend with a few cocktails at Dave & Buster’s, then you might consider Brian and Susan’s Wedding Mix CD high art,” the Pitchfork review began.
According to the review’s timestamp, the scathing indictment of the Moore’s taste in music appeared on the popular music website less than 12 hours after the couple said, “I do.”
“Kool and the Gang’s ‘Celebrate’ would be at the top of the bag of sad-and-tired cliches to put on as the first track. If you’re going to start with the lamest of the lame, why not pick Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing,’ or Foreigner’s ‘I Want to Know What Love is?’ Oh, I know… you needed those to fill the second and third spots on this pathetic celebration of aural mediocrity.”
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“We just wanted music that everyone — from Aunt Beatrice, to our younger cousins Cody and Taylor — could enjoy,” said Mrs. Moore. “We love indie rock like Maroon 5, Green Day, and Weezer… we just didn’t want to include any of that heavy stuff.”
“If a wedding needs ‘something new, something borrowed and something blue,’ this would fulfill the latter, having plunged this reviewer into depths of depression only hours of Neutral Milk Hotel could solve,” concluded the Pitchfork review.
Mrs. Moore, after placing a copy of the review in their wedding book, added, “If a Neutral Milk Hotel is anything like the Courtyard by Marriott where we had our wedding, I’m sure he had a blast.”