SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through legal briefs searching for any type of precedent.
“We’ve been sharing space on Bret’s scalp for decades, but it’s time for him to finally nut up and pick one of us,” stated his red paisley bandana. “It used to be just the two of us rocking out with our cocks out, but since that hat showed up, fans barely notice me. I’m being suffocated, both figuratively and literally, by that stupid cowboy gimmick. Fun fact: Bret’s never even rode a horse before. Last time he came within five feet of one he pissed his pants in fear. I don’t mean to be a dick, but I’m just tired of being strung along like this. I think it’s high time he makes an honest hair accessory out of me.”
The aging rocker’s cowboy hat couldn’t disagree more.
“The only reason he still keeps him around is because it’s technically impossible to remove him from being fused to Bret’s skull,” said the wide-brimmed headwear. “We seek an injunction for the bandana to immediately be surgically removed, in order for me to be the sole entity of the top of his dome and any surrounding areas like his forehead. Everyone knows I make Bret, Bret. I not only make him look cool as shit but I also shield his beautiful eyes from the sun and from all the adoring fans who swarm him at all those county fairs and casinos we now play at.”
Industry expert Kris Da Capo explained that objects fighting for space in a musician’s life isn’t a new phenomenon.
“Happens all the time,” said Da Capo. “Steven Tyler was dragged through the courts for years after dozens of his scarves sued for the right to exclusivity on his microphone stand. And one of the reasons Oasis initially broke up was because their various drugs of choice didn’t want to share the limelight. The only exception to the rule is Bono, whose sunglasses and leather jacket have been trying for years to emancipate themselves entirely from his act out of embarrassment.”
At press time, Michaels’ facial hair also dipped its toes into the legal waters after his mustache sent an urgent cease and desist order to his soul patch.