CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported.
“I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself. Last year I added a fake message from our singer and his wife thanking me for inviting them to spend the summer at my condo in the French Riviera. He’s single and gay and I still live with my parents but no one seemed to notice. This year I’ll go a step further and have our guitarist call me ‘his friend.’”
Death Crack vocalist Abe Springer had to be reminded Bolz was in the band.
“I thought our band page had been hacked,” Springer said. “I was DMing exes with the band account when I noticed this weird birthday post about a guy I had never seen before. There were all these pictures of him with us on stage. Our bassist insisted that he was the one in the photos and that he actually formed the band himself, but I went ahead and changed our passwords just to be sure. With how good generative AI is you can never be too careful.”
Foo Fighters bassist Nate Mendel says he offers an online writing class for bassists struggling to construct their own birthday message on their band’s social media.
“Just like playing bass on stage, you can’t rely on anyone else in the band for anything,” Mendel said. “You can lie about hanging out with the band outside of practice, but implying that they see you as an equal is unrealistic. It’s all about finding the birthday post writing pocket. For that, I recommend drawing up an outline, writing up several drafts, and having it peer reviewed by other bass players in your community before posting. As a bassist, you cannot take birthday posts lightly. It’s your only chance to almost get recognition.”
At press time, Bolz spent the rest of the afternoon periodically checking to see if the post would get more than one three likes.