LOS ANGELES — Legendary emo quartet Rockem Sockem Gobots announced today a 10th anniversary tour celebrating their record Stunted Descension, playing the album in its entirety at each stop despite crowds only actually wanting to hear their second release, Towns In Pink, disappointed sources confirm.
“Stunted Descension blows, dude,” commented superfan and official Reddit band page moderator James Chan. “The first record was fine; there’s a couple bangers. Towns In Pink crushes super hard — like, I cry when I listen to it. It changes lives. But everything after that is the absolute worst garbage I’ve ever heard. Why would they ever do an anniversary tour for that dumpster fire third record?”
The band confirmed they would not only be playing the universally loathed record straight through for the tour, but would add only new songs to the setlist.
“We’re definitely looking to keep it fresh every night,” remarked singer Katherine Nanjin. “That’s why we sprinkle in songs that aren’t on Descension at every show. We have 13 subsequent full-lengths, and most of the crowd hasn’t heard any of those records, so there’s a lot of fun stuff to choose from. The audience usually does that arms crossed/blank stare thing throughout the set, but we’ve gotten used to that over the last few tours. That’s just our fans’ style.”
Oddly, the tour is receiving relatively positive reviews by most publications, praising several aspects of the show that don’t involve actual song quality.
“While the songs are some of the worst from the band — and, really, of all time — they do play them quite proficiently,” Pitchfork tour reviewer Emily Berger posted. “They maintain high energy even though the audience is clearly unhappy.”
“Oh, and the crowd doesn’t walk out mid-set or anything, so that’s a good sign, I suppose,” she continued, “though most agree that’s likely because everyone is waiting in case they play an actual good song by accident.”
Band members are reportedly debating an additional anniversary tour of Rabid Flowers, the bands’ side project that sounded exactly like Rockem Sockem Gobots but somehow even worse, stating, “People will love it, right?”