COLUMBIA, Mo. — Punk Charlie Morewin debated whether he should barely learn to play or become a virtuoso upon picking up the bass guitar, sources report.
“The way I see it, I have two avenues to pursue,” Morewin mused while tuning his new Fender Precision. “Punk bassists tend to be just barely passable or so impressive that they’re in the wrong genre, and the time has come for me to decide which one to be. On one hand, I can be laughably bad like Sid Vicious and just learn the root notes, or I can learn to play like Matt Freeman from Rancid. Have you heard his performance on ‘…And Out Come the Wolves’? It’s ridiculous. I should decide now so I can either start practicing eight hours a day or spending all my free time honing my bad boy image.”
Morewin’s friend Jessica Stessel wished he would just pick a side already.
“Every punk bassist faces this crossroads when they start playing,” Stessel said. “I just wish Charlie would choose one so he and I can start jamming. We’ve been talking about starting a band for ages now, so I got really excited when he finally bought that bass. Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether he just does the bare minimum or becomes a musical genius because very few people actually listen to punk for the bass. It would be nice if he understood that so we could start making music instead of sitting around smoking cigarettes and listening to Discharge all day.”
Punk historian Jamal Moore gave some insight on the choice Morewin had in front of him.
“It’s not entirely known when punk bassists began fitting into this dichotomy,” Moore offered. “I personally can’t name a single punk bassist who’s just okay. They’re all either awful or incredible for some reason, with no real in-between. It’s always been a bit of a mystery to me why any of them would put forth anything beyond the absolute minimum effort needed to play in a band. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become a bass virtuoso, and the only payoff seems to be acting as an inspiration to future bass virtuosos. If he was the guitarist he could at least get laid from being impressive, but come on. This is bass we’re talking about.”
At press time, Morewin decided to maximize his bass potential, but was blackballed from the punk community after opting to not use a pick.