JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this day would never come confirmed.
“For years we just played the same exact setlist every night,” Ironsides singer Gary Mann said while rippin’ a Zyn. “But now we’ve totally switched things up and play the same exact setlist every night with a 100-piece orchestra! The response so far has been super responsive. Honestly, I didn’t know a lick of classical music until this tour, and man, these cats can jam! They got violins. Harps. Pan flutes. Some big honkin’ horns. You haven’t heard our classic ‘Wet Humpin’’ until you’ve heard it with a gong solo. This is some classy shit. That’s why tickets start at $300. And it’s a black-tie event. In fact, a black tie is literally all I wear on stage. There’s also intermission. And cheese.”
Klaus Hasselhoff, conductor with the Jacksonville Philharmonic, detailed how the unlikely collaboration came to fruition.
“I have never listened to Ironsides,” Hasselhoff admitted. “I don’t even listen to Ironsides when we perform. I listen to audiobook in my earbud, and just wave my baton as the orchestra plays whatever they feel like. No one notices. All these cretin fans want are tits and riffs. They are simple and unschooled. Musically, it is a disaster. Sexually, it is a revelation. Do you know how much…how do you say it in American…bomb-ass pussy I’ve gotten on this tour? And blow?! It almost make this whole thing worth the career suicide.”
Freelance music preservationist Niles Pridgen offered a biased yet bullseye take on the trend of rock bands touring with orchestras.
”No one asked for this. Not rock fans, not classical fans,” Pridgen said. “I’d say this is just a cash grab but judging from the low ticket sales, bloated production budget, and the fact that Ironsides and the Jack-Phil are sharing one U-Haul together, this is an absolute financial fuckshow and a cautionary tale of what not to do with musical instruments. I’d honestly rather listen to hick-hop or that Lou Reed Metallica album than this cock opera.”
At press time, Ironsides fired the orchestra and pawned all their gear to recoup financial losses, but continued the tour performing acapella versions of their songs.